Monday, February 5, 2007

V for very, very cold

I should be leaving the Cedar-Lee Theater right now, after watching two movies for the price of one. I should be proud of myself for not only getting into two movies for the price of one, I should be proud of myself for also doing it on $5 night. You see, Monday is bargain night at the Cedar-Lee. The bargain isn't two movies for the price of one (that's my own special little bargain!), the bargain is $5 night. So what better night to sneak into a movie after the movie you paid for ended than on bargain night? Even the popcorn's cheap!

But somene wussed out. Apparently it's tooooooooo cold. You see, even though the movies are INSIDE, the fact that it's too cold OUTSIDE kept my movie date from coming anywhere near the movie theater. Something about her car might break down, like her daughter's did in Indiana over the weekend cause her timing belt couldn't take the cold and now it will cost $400 to fix. Or maybe a gigantic icicle will fall off a telephone pole and come crashing through her windshield on her way to the movie, impaling her. Or maybe the heater will conk out on the way to the show and she'll end up sitting at a red light, frozen like Jack Nicholson at the end of "The Shining."

Yea, so not only does every school from Pennsylvania to Wisconsin cancel its Monday classes during the Super Bowl and its Tuesday classes while all the teachers sleep in on Monday, but my movie date wusses out as well. Doesn't she realize what a dent this could put in A Movie Per Day??

Fortunately someone comes through. And that's the boys upstairs, who never met a bottle of wine and a DVD rental they didn't like. Joe and Bob, here I come!

It appears Bob has visited the local Blockbuster and rented a triple-feature's worth of movies. "V for Vendetta" -- somehow, a comic-book movie that I haven't seen -- is atop the list. I remember when it came out last year. That V guy's mask creeped me out, but made me want to wear it at the same time. There's something about a mask with a perpetual smile and lips that don't move that makes everything you say sound cool. Plus, the movie takes place in Britain, and there's just something about the way Brits talk that's downright hypnotic. I could imagine the following conversation sounding pleasant if the people having it spoke with British accents:

"Excuse me, lad, but I believe you just peed your knickers."

"Aha, good man, it may appear that way, but believe me, I merely spilled some water. So jolly."

"No, no, that can't be. I clearly saw you grab your groin and sigh while that wet spot grew. You undoubtedly soiled yourself right here on the street corner."

"I couldn't imagine why one would wet himself in public, barring a complete psychotic meltdown. I can assure you that event is not taking place here."

"But certainly you can't tell me that what I've witnessed hasn't happened? I quite clearly saw you wet yourself, right here in public, though for what reason I can't fathom a guess."

"I can fool you no longer, good sir, the jig is up! You did clearly see me wet myself right here on the street corner, and I congratulate you on your courage! Good day to you!"

"And good day to you. Cheerio!"

I think the Brits could have different versions of this conversation all day long, especially if they were wearing masks with perpetual grins and lips that didn't move. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if one of the mask-wearing Brits killed the other. It would be quite acceptable, since they would both be wearing the mask. Acceptable? Heck, it would be EXPECTED! And everyone would enjoy it.

So thanks to smiling, non-moving-lip masks, British accents, Labatt Blue, and the guys upstairs, the cold was defeated. And I would guess that thanks to global warming, sometime soon the temperature will inch back up over the 20-degree mark. Maybe then my movie date will join me in a two-for-the-price-of-one, or perhaps even a THREE-for-the-price-of-one deal. And Cedar-Lee, there's always next Monday. As long as it's not a holiday.

No comments: