Monday, February 12, 2007

Thank goodness for cable

Boy, am I lucky. It's the return of cable internet access to my apartment, just in time for "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers"! Not only that, but it's a double feature as "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers" follows.

Why it takes all the way until Halloween 5 for Michael Myers to get revenge, though, I don't know. In the original, he kills five people. In part two, he kills nine more. Then they don't even use him in "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" -- how stupid! Then he gets 13 more people in part four before finally getting his "revenge" in part 5 by killing 22 more. Revenge for what? HE'S ALREADY KILLED 18 PEOPLE BEFORE PART 5!!! Maybe he wants revenge for being left out of Halloween 3.

Now, why exactly would I choose a Michael Myers double feature to be my re-entry into the world of cable television? Because I'm not really watching it! It's just background noise. Nope, tonight's actually the night for my online football league championship, KRFL Super Bowl VI. My upstart Cleveland Rocks (12-4) will be facing the league juggernaut Newark Bears, who went 15-1 in the regular season including a 35-15 victory over my Rocks in Week 1.

We've come a long way from then, baby. We even have cable again! Haven't needed it for the last few weeks since my building management conveniently forgot to disconnect the Internet network connection to my apartment for months after I requested it's disconnection. Free Internet for me for months! Can't watch Michael Myers double features late at night, but can read about Michael Myers on the web. Well, at least until the network crashed and they remembered that they forgot to disconnect me.

Now the Rocks are back in business. Since tonight I'll be paying attention to my Super Bowl and not the TV, Michael Myers will provide perfect background noise. Heck, who even wants to watch a censored horror flick on basic cable anyway. They cut out all the best killings and gratuitious nudity.

So while Michael Myers slashes his way through Haddonfield, Ill., (again), the Newark Bears slash their way through the Cleveland Rocks. I'm about ready to throw in the towel when, trailing 17-0 in the third quarter, a fourth-down run gets stuffed. I'm finished. But what the heck, it's just a computer game.

And then it's not just a computer game anymore, because I intercept a pass and convert it into a touchdown. We stuff Newark stud running back Tiki Barber inside the 20 and force a field goal. Down 20-7, another drive nets us a touchdown and suddenly the Rocks are down just 20-14 as the clock dwindles toward the final five minutes.

Michael Myers is forgotten now as the Rocks stuff Barber once more with just less than four minutes left in the game. Carson Palmer brings us to the line of scrimmage at our 33, but within two plays its 3rd-and-13. Then Palmer finds Rod Smith for 15 yards. The thrill is short lived -- soon it's 4th-and-inches on the Newark 45 with the two-minute warning approaching. Stephen Davis keeps us alive with a dive over the top for a first down. And then suddenly we're on the Newark 37, and then the 32, and then the 9 and there's still 40 seconds left.

On second down, Carson Palmer finds Rod Smith for a touchdown with 32 seconds remaining, and Cleveland takes a 21-20 lead. When Newark's Michael Koenen misses a 58-yard field goal, a Cleveland team has pulled off a miracle victory and delivered a sports championship, even if it is in a fantasy league.

Meanwhile, Michael Myers is still slashing. If he came after me right now, I might be able to take him down, the adrenaline rush from the KRFL Super Bowl victory has me so high. I'd shoot him and chop him in the head with an axe and ram a candlestick through his eye and light him on fire and push him down a well and then stick him in a freezer. No way he'd still be alive after all that.

Of course, if he comes tomorrow, after the adrenaline wears off, well ... let's just say it's a good thing that both Michael Myers and my Super Bowl title are both made of air.

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